Marmaduke

Hollywood... you're really stretching here, aren't you?

It seems like whenever the box office starts to slump, and it has been a bit lately, you panic. And when you panic, what to you do? Do you turn to smart directors like Spielburg or Cameron for advice? Do you look at the kind of quality pictures that Chris Nolan has made, all of which were 'unmarketable' $100 Million + success stories (and, of course, the Mega-hit Dark Knight). Do you look for scripts and directors who's films are quality and will have long-lasting appeal in the theater and on home video?

Or, do you make some bullshit with talking animals in it? Yeah.... that's it.

Now, hey, I get it, kids like talking animals. I know I saw more than a few Disney movies in my youth. I saw Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey. I took in Milo & Otis at the dollar show. But those movies were a lot further apart 'back in the day', and Disney, especially old Disney, is miles above any of the crap you're producing now. In fact, new Disney is buckling under the strain of losing its connection with kids. And rather than find new ways to engage them, they're relying on nostalgia for those old releases to keep the wind in their company's massive sales. (see: Cinderella 3, Junglebook 2, any other sequel 30 + years after the fact)

Furry Vengeance, Beverly Hills Chihuahua, Dogs v Cats 1&2, Chipmunks and Squeakuel, Garfield, G-Force... man, you guys are just pumping them out lately, aren't you? And its all enough for a quick cash-grab, but where's Snow White? Where's Lion King? Where's anything that gets kids to come back over and over again, and doesn't kill the soul of their parents at the same time? Only Pixar seems to have what it takes. Dreamworks is doing okay but, please DW, let Shrek die.

And so, now we have Marmaduke. A movie based on a comic strip, which is neither funny nor popular, coming out about thirty years after the strip lost any relevance it might have had.
Now, hey, props to creator Brad Anderson for still being a working cartoonist after all these years. He's still doing a one-man show on Marmaduke after 55 years and, at age 85, shows no signs of stopping. I appreciate that kind of long-lived effort.
But still, you've taken the creation of an 85 year old man, who bases many of his gags on old Laurel and Hardy skits, and expect it to be relevant and amusing to kids.

Of course, at the same time you've gone against the source material, and made Marmaduke talk. Have we ever had insight to Marmaduke's thoughts?

You know what is a better Marmaduke movie? Beethoven. The dog didn't have to talk in Beethoven, he just ripped off most of Marmaduke's gags and earned like 4 sequels. But then, that was 20 years ago. Shit has to talk now.

So, I don't know what's worse, the fact that you made some BS movie that panders to the lowest common denominator in a desperate plea for summer box office receipts; a film that shows you still have no idea how to engage kids without treating them like little idiots. OR the fact that the creator of Marmaduke will go see this movie, and have an aneurysm and die when he sees this piece of shit and realizes that the children of tomorrow will remember his pooch more for this dreck than the long-running strip he lovingly crafted for decades.

Where was I going with this?... oh yeah, Hollywood, fucking get it together.

No one go see this movie. If you need further evidence, the trailer... Dance sequence totally ripped from Beverly Hill Chihuahua.

... kill me