The Thing (2011)

My review for the new prequel for John Carpenter's The Thing is up on Brutal as Hell. Mosey on over and take a look!

Brains? I'll just stick to the Cadbury Cream Eggs, thanks...

Easter is almost over, but if you're not quite ready to say goodbye to the Holy Ghost and all of his buddies, then you need to pop on over to Brutal as Hell, where we're got a series of posts celebrating Zombie Jesus Day! Wind down with a collection of reviews, looking a the finest of zombie films, and maybe even a couple of flicks featuring Jesus Christ himself! The Passion?, you ask. NO! We're talking Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter, reviewed by yours truly.

Plus, original Easter art!

Click the pic to go to Brutal as Hell, and celebrate the resurrection of your lord and savior in style. If you can do it while eating the flesh of your choosing... bonus!

Found Art and Scary Babies

I was recently trying to earn a little extra cash doing some political work out here in Vegas. While I was prowling about, door-to-door, I came across a little note on the ground, which some school girl had surely dropped. I'd hoped for a juicy love letter, but I found a work of fiction instead. I thought I'd share this masterpiece, typed verbatim:

Mary     This happend in 2003

One day this girl named mary she was walking home from school she saw this shadow and it looked like a man with spikeie hair she stop and look and saw nothin' she kept walking finaly she was at her house she got her keys out of her packet and opened her house door her mom and her baby brother was there her dad died from sliping in the shower but there was something that had to do with the bady mary is the main one who takes care of her baby brother because her mom is scared of the bady. (editor's note: at last, this story, and likely its writer, just reached its first period!)

Everytime she looks at her bady she sees something evil mary knows how her dad really died they day he died he toke a shower but sometimes the sister puts the bady down so the bady can cawl around so while the dad is takeing a shower the bady go's crawling to the shower and when the bady opens the door he looks at his father with his RED evil eyes and nobody can look the bady in the eyes because if they do, they will die.

Your education system at work, Nevada. Okay, a little unfair. I don't know who wrote this thing, and without that context, I mean, this could have been written by a brilliant effing 1st grader or something. 

Two things that stand out to me: firstly, what's up with the shadow Mary sees at the beginning here? It doesn't seem to be related to the baby at all. Well, maybe the author is just prepping for a career writing ghost stories for Hollywood by making the ghost DO SHIT THAT MAKES NO SENSE to fill in 90 minutes of runtime before finally getting around to revenge or possessing their sister, or whatever. 

My other question is... this girl knows how to pronounce the word 'baby', right? I mean, she knows what a 'b' looks like, because she uses it to begin the word. But, there we are, two whole letters later, and she's swapped it for a 'd'. Bady? A typo is one thing, but she's made that same error about a dozen times in two, um, sentences. So, either she thinks the word is pronounced 'Baedee' or she's working under the impression that consonants in alliterative words have to be mirror images of each other. 

Well, if she doesn't drop out of school and go to work for the Spearmint Rhino this year, maybe I'll find a sequel on the ground one of these days. We need to see how Mary takes care of the evil, demonic bady. 

External Linkage Double Dose

I forgot to put a couple of my articles here in the archives. Well, no time like the present. Over on Padinga, we explore the death of Guitar Hero. Find that HERE.


And over on Brutal As Hell, we talk about the VOD release of the Chinese Horror flick, Dream Home. Find that HERE.

Its GOOD FOR YOU!!!... but really, do go and support these two fine media outlets.

External Linkage

After a long wait, we're treated once again with another fantastic fright-fest from BthroughZ.com! This month's issue includes a plethora of interviews, and a gaggle of film reviews, atop a cornucopia of cadavers. Er... something, yeah, that works.

Speaking of BthroughZ, have you ever tried Googling that? The site's title, run through a search engine, produces probably the greatest series of non-sequitur images ever conceived. Along with Jamie's awesome art compilations and the beautiful faces of both Britt (who actually Edits Brutal As Hell... whatever) and Ben, you also find a bevy of bloody, bare-breasted babes and an assortment of mind-twisting images. Example below. Follow the period girl to the front page.

Here are direct links to my own work for the month, an interview with and review of the film works of Andre Perkowski. He's an odd duck, and a very unique film personality. Give 'em a read! Your brain will thank you, just before it explodes.

FILMS OF

WORDS WITH

External Linkage

Another review up on BRUTAL AS HELL, this time for Sean Bean vehicle Black Death. Its pretty awesome, check out the deets on BAH.

Or, if you want to just jump right to the movie, follow the links below!


(Links forthcoming, I appear to have beaten Amazon to the punch in adding their VOD images)

External Linkage

Got a review up on BrutalasHell.com, covering the upcoming horror flick, The Vanishing on 7th Street. You can either wait for theatrical release or, as these smaller movies have been doing lately, you can already find it on Amazon.com's VOD channels.

Follow the link to Brutal As Hell, and enjoy!

(these nearly identical links are for the VOD downloadable film, and for the Soundtrack, respectively. Choose, but choose wisely)

   

Old MacDonald Had a Zombie, ia ia oooooooongh

A new indy-distribution group called Maya-Entertainment has popped up, and sent a little bit out one of their upcoming horror releases to my inbox the other day. It looks interesting enough, so I thought I'd toss it up for you guys.

ZOMBIE FARM:
Part zombie, part voodoo! Desperate to end her husband’s domestic abuse, a young woman seeks asylum from a local voodoo priestess.  When warned that her husband (Khotan) may “change” if given a special potion, the abused wife is relieved.  But waking up in bed next to a zombie isn’t exactly the transformation she was hoping for.  Her once violent husband becomes the leader of a zombie uprising, terrorizing, and then converting the townsfolk into un-dead assassins.  Clearly, some things are far worse than death.





So, it obviously suffers from some of the usual bits of cheese thats typical to straight-to-video movies, particularly horror. I mean, the idea that people can be so focused on the spy video they're filming to not see a ring of about ten zombies circle their car and pop up from around them... yeah, video cheese, and a cheap jump-scare. 


Still, its kind of cool to see the notion of VooDoo zombies come back into play, as you don't really see it much any more. The rising popularity of Romero's zombie model continues to eclipse what had once been the sole vision of the zombie as a creation of black magic. Tales from the Crypt had some VooDoo creations in it, and I think before that the last feature about VooDoo was Serpent and the Rainbow. 
This seems to mix the two genres together, the undead appear to be pretty cannibalistic in that trailer; but still it could be interesting to see some magic, and someone crafting a little regional army of brainwashed ghouls. 


The DVD comes out March 8th, so it won't   be long before we can give it a shot!


Zombie Farm

Forgotten External Linkages

Blogging-wise, October was a bust. But it was excellent for my working and my savings, so I can't complain too much.
I spent September and October working for the Democratic Party of Nevada, fighting to keep several key incumbents with significant achievement lists in office, despite the ever-growing sentiment of 'Throw the bums out'. (Look out, Republicans. You'll be the bums in 2 years.) Anyway, mission accomplished, 5 of my 6 Assembly persons stayed in office, along with Harry Reid. Despite a significant swing in the Republican direction, I hope that we maintained enough seats to have a balanced government, and to keep intellectual discourse alive in the state's government.

So, I spent the month of October working 7-days a week, all the way to election day. And now, nothing. That said, its time to get back to some writing.

To kick it off, here's two articles I managed to get finished up during the election season that I forgot to promote here. Go back, read, enjoy.

Rocky Horror Picture Show 35th Anniversary Review via Brutal As Hell

and also

Berdella Review via BthroughZ


  

External Linkage

A follow-up to my previous article, finally got the screener copy of Lake Placid 3, endured it, put up a review.

Check it out via Brutal as Hell:  http://www.brutalashell.com/2010/10/dvd-review-lake-placid-3/


  

Xtupyd Fylmu N8me5

Magnolia Films graciously sent me the trailer and art for their upcoming release, S&MAN today.

... that's supposed to be pronounced 'Sandman', according to the little translation on the box. If your film's title needs a translation, you have issues.

For those not all into punctuation with a raging hard-on, that little squiggle mark, which we pronounce 'and' or 'n' is actually an Ampersand. So, the movie's full title, by my reading, is Sampersandman.... ? I guess we're supposed to see it and read S-and-Man, but when I looked at it, it only hurt my brain... and I can only assume its supposed to be a pun on S&M, though I see no references to sex in the trailer.

Just another exercise in crap marketing. I refuse to participate, Hollywood, no matter how many Se7ens and Tr2ns and Scre4ms and LXG's you throw at me.

Anyway, I haven't seen this director's other film, The Burrowers yet, but I hear good things from the horror community. (aside from the usual low-budget and story re-tread gripes)
At this point, the mockumentary set-up has be done over and over, and you can kinda tell just from the trailer where its all going. But, the execution may be good, this one got good word of mouth at a couple early screenings. I leave it to you to decide.

Poster Monster, Monster Poster

I'm really, really pumped for this movie to come out. Magnolia sent me some images, including the new poster today. If you guys haven't seen it yet, check this out:

Synopsis: Six years ago NASA discovered the possibility of alien life within our solar system. A probe was launched to collect samples, but crashed upon re-entry over Central America. Soon after, new life forms began to appear and grow. In an effort to stem the destruction that resulted, half of Mexico was quarantined as an INFECTED ZONE. Today, the American and Mexican military still struggle to contain the massive creatures... Our story begins when a jaded US journalist (McNairy) begrudgingly agrees to find his boss’ daughter, a shaken American tourist (Able) and escort her through the infected zone to the safety of the US border.


I've been told this is as much a romance as it is a monster film, a slow-burning drama that explores the human characters as much as, or more than, the now alien landscape around them. Fine by me; you need compelling characters to follow, and as long as the payoff is big...


You can find more in this review from my friend Britt Hayes, where she spoke with the Director.


And, of course, the trailer:

Blog Placid

I really have been half-assing this blog lately. I mean, look back at June. I was a blogging monster. July I was traveling a lot. So, what about August?

Well, I have my reasons. Be it job hunting, visits from lovely ladies, or setting up my future monarchy over the crumbled nations of the world, I've had constructive things to do. Most importantly, I've been finishing a screenplay for Glenbrook Studios, so hopefully there'll be more good news about that in the future.

Well, maybe not MOST importantly. Its a tough call between that and the lovely ladies. Tied for first, then.

In the meantime, I got a Press Kit in the mail today for a new horror flick, and I figured it would be a shame to let it go to waste. So, here it is, the one you've all been waiting for: Lake Placid 3.

Now, I know what you're thinking, because its exactly the same thing I was thinking, "What the Hell were Lake Placids 1 and 2?... wait, is that the one with the giant alligator?"

Luckily, the press kit came with a copy of the box art and... yes, yes it is:

Ah! Look at that punny tag-line at the bottom of the box! Ha! High School kids will see that at Wal-Mart and be messing up their Your/You're forms for years. Priceless. 

Anyway, if the press kit is any indication, they're going full-out camp on this one. And really, could it go any other direction. The first Lake Placid took itself a bit too seriously, and when you get into the sequels, well, you've got to start poking fun at yourself. 

For the festivities they've lined up Yancy Butler (who the Press Release mysteriously credits for her bit part in Kick-Ass, despite her leading role in Witchblade.) and Michael Fucking Ironside (his real middle name, I'm sure) who makes anything more awesome. 

The write-up promises not only copious amounts of gore, but also full frontal nudity, so at least they know the target audience they're shooting for.

Of course, I write that assuming its female nudity, and as I do, I realize that over half of all movie goers are female now (Last Exorcism was exit-polled at 52% female, as a recent example), so maybe they're shooting for that 'girls who like tits' demographic... or maybe there'll be cocks in the movie. And if not (probably not) maybe there should be. 

Anyway, here's a trailer:

This movie got me thinking. I mean, do they generate sequels off of a numeric formula? Surely. I can't imagine someone going through pitch ideas, and a studio exec being, "Yes! That is exactly what our studio needs to produce. ANOTHER giant alligator movie! That's 4 in the last decade!"  and I doubt this is a labor of love for any young, upstart director. 

Some guy in an office has to be looking at profit from the last two, deducting a percentage of drop off from sequel to sequel, figuring how much money they can throw at it, calculating any losses of revenue from an obviously lower-budget production, how much money some B-level talent's names can rake in and VOILA! Product! We can profit like $250,000 off of this, as long as there's X gallons of blood and Y pairs of boobs! Better throw in Z vaginas just in case!

Well, whatever keeps Ironside in work, I guess. If you like Boobs, Blood, and Bad Acting (and really, who doesn't?) I'm sure Lake Placid 3 will deliver the goods. I'll let you know when I get my hands on it. 

RELEASE DATE: October 26th. Just in time for your animal horror themed Halloween party. 

External Linkage

Shit, I really need to go back and finish that last blog entry. The problem with writing while you're on a road-trip is that you inevitably get caught up in the excitement of the vacation itself, and the writing falters...

In the meantime, here's the final entry in the Brutal As Hell series, The Lucky 13. Our 13th and final category is Slashers, and we bring you some of the best, and most obscure, slashers of all time. Its been a good, gory summer on that site. Lets go out with a bang!

Brutal As Hell!

External Linkage

Yes friends, that's right, another week, another Lucky 13!
We finally get around to the all-time fan favorite, the zombie. Its fresh and goopy, and up at Brutal as Hell. Don't forget to check our friends over at Vault of Horror for their take.
After this, I"m off to Gencon for a few days, so maybe some new coolness on here from that. Games abound!

When there's no more room in Hell, the dead will walk the Earth. 


 
     

External Linkage

Another week, another Lucky 13! This week, we examine the greatest Serial Killer flicks ever created. Its up at Brutal as Hell. And dont' forget to flip on over to Vault of Horror for the second half of this week's in-depth review.

Stabbity-stab-stab!

      

External Linkage

Yes, its that time again. Time for the Lucky 13! This week, its the best of Werewolves. Werewolves that are not half-naked Indian boys. Try to pay attention, regardless.

      

External Linkage

Some more horror goodness in the form of Rec 2! Review now posted at Brutal As Hell. The review is a precursor to a Q&A session I had with the directors of the film, which will be posting soon.

Check it out at Brutal as Hell!

  

External Linkage

Yes, its that time again. Time for another Lucky 13 at Brutal As Hell! This week, we celebrate the holiday by giving you our favorite Psychological Horrors!... in retrospect, holiday themed horror movies might have been the better sub-genre. Eh, fuck it.

Brutal as Hell!

       

Scrappy sinks her teeth into Twilight: Eclipse!

Its time for a woman's perspective!
A first for the ol' Pop Aristocrat here: A guest reviewer! I can't be bothered with Twilight myself, not after the first film's lack-of-quality-to-box-office-take ratio nearly drove me to suicide. I prefer to stay ignorant. But, Twilight is such a large flash-in-the-pan... er, excuse me, social phenomenon, I don't think it should not be covered.


So, my friend and ally Jessica Brumm, Texas law student and sass-mouth extraordinaire, offered her services as my Twilight reviewer. We'll call her Scrappy, just the way she likes it. So, armed only with a pitcher of beer and a resilience to the soul-crushing power of chick flicks that only a vagina can grant, she braved Eclipse and brought us back these words of wisdom.


{And I also added my own snarky banter because, hell, its still my goddamn blog.}


With no further ado, take it away Scrappy!

 Eclipse teaches young teenage girls a wonderful lesson: don’t agree to get married unless you try to have sex first. Edward proposes several times to Bella, but Bella only agrees to marriage if Edward will try to have sex with her. This is the most bizarre romantic twist to a storyline of star-crossed lovers that has been avoided by Shakespeare and Jane Austen for a reason: it’s a lame and completely unbelievable.

{“ Juliet, wilt thou marry me?” “Oh Romeo, yes, but first I must feel your thrust twixt my nethers, lest we marry to find our coupling unsatisfying. Take me, ravage me now.” “Ew, no. Mine father has said the whipsering eye of a lady 'tis slimy and weird.” “Um...” “It means your vagina.” }

It’s sad really. I’m not a fan of romance films in general—but there are several films and storylines filled with believable romantic antics {because you can't spell romantic, without antic! }that can be appreciated by all: Sense and Sensibility, Pride and Prejudice, Romeo and Juliet, What Dreams May Come, Life is Beautiful, and most importantly, Shaun of the Dead. Believability is the key to any good story. A beautiful headstrong girl meets beautiful headstrong boy. Chaos ensues and causes various mishaps between the ill-fated characters. Eventually the couple reconciles and they live happily ever after—or in Romeo and Juliet’s case, they die—but either way, the couple ends up together one way or another, right?

Twilight does add a few interesting elements to the familiar star-crossed lovers’ story—it includes an ancient mutant “vegetarian” vampire, Edward, falling in love with a plain-looking, clumsy, 17 year-old girl, Bella. {Because she smells delicious, don't forget that. I hope to meet a girl one day that is clumsy and plain, but smells like Del Taco, so I can take her home... and then proceed to not have sex with her. In retrospect, I suppose just about any girl who works at Del Taco would fit this bill. I need to go down the street and order up a fresh plate of infatuation. } A “veggie” vampire is, of course, a vampire that loves humans so the vampire only drinks the blood of animals. This veggie vampire is part of a veggie-vampire coven considered enemies of an evil, ancient underground vampire government. Veggie vampires are also hunted by horse-sized werewolves capable of transforming at anytime—regardless of the moon’s cycles. As scores of other films and books prove, werewolf and vampire battles are normally intriguing. But this bizarre and unbelievable Mormon-written romance buries all the awesomeness a supernatural war could possibly bring. { Could Edward's love of Bella be considered a food-fetish? }

I will concede to the Twilight fans, the film has its moments. It is not completely “twi-tarded.” I’d say maybe an hour of the film is watchable for those who are not “twi-hards.” Bella’s father is actually not too bad. He plays the awkward father in charge of the awkward teen romance quite well. One of the veggie vampires talks about how she died after being gang-raped by her former fiancé and his friends {That is also pretty awkward}. There is a quick glimpse of how her revenge on those men played out—which is twisted and very cool.

One of the coolest characters in the entire series, Jasper, gets a small amount of face time. He describes how in the South, during the Civil War, he participated in vampire turf wars by building up large vampire armies to take out other vampire armies {Westside Story comes to mind}. The idea of a vampire turf war between vampire armies sounds amazing and it’s a shame only a few minutes of the film were dedicated to Jasper.

The film’s best moments travel outside of what was included in the book. In the book, Bella misses the big fight scene between an evil vampire army versus a united front of werewolves and mutant, veggie vampires. In the book, the aftermath of the battle is described, but the actual battle isn’t really covered. In the film, the fight scene is short—but pretty fun. The movie also goes outside the original Eclipse book to include scenes showing the evil vampire army building its ranks. {“Hey, kid, you wanna be a vampire and live forever?” “Yeah, cool!” “Allright then, but you gotta come fight a war against these giant fucking wolves. I mean HUGE.” “But they can't hurt us, right?” “Oh, they will fuck you up! You might be alive forever without arms, legs, or genitals after this fight.” “Yeah, think I'll pass.” “Where's your fucking loyalty!? I have known you for like 15 seconds and already you're refusing to go to war with me for the sake of murdering some 17 year old girl.” “Tell me again, how did you manage to attract all these followers? And why don't you just sniper the bitch? I mean, it seems like that might at least take the werewolves off guard. They tend to notice dozens of vampires moving en masse around these sleepy, suddenly bloodless, little towns.” } These semi-violent scenes of the vampire army make it watchable for those of us who do not enjoy the horrible romance between a pedophile, veggie-vampire and an annoying 17 year old kid. 

Despite these few redeeming moments in the film, Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart couldn’t act to save their lives. Honestly, the film ended for me after the vampire-werewolf battle ended. After that, it’s just Pattison and Stewart attempting to act as Edward and Bella. The romance scenes between them were drawn out with long awkward pauses, nervous glances, and weird “tweenie” moments that made half the audience giggle with glee. {Edward, the Methuselah, falling in love with a teen girl is akin to me falling in love with an embryo}

More audience squeals came whenever the half-naked Taylor Lautner appeared onscreen. It’s a bit disturbing because most of the audience is old enough to be Lautner’s mother, or even grandmother. {That guy is so ripped, even his cock has abs. And that's hot no matter how old you are. } Granted, Lautner is a better actor than Pattison. But Lautner’s CGI werewolf was completely awful. You’d think a big budget film like Twilight could afford better CGI; especially after audiences have been wowed by the effects of Lord of the Rings and more recently, Avatar . The CGI couldn’t have been more apparent—the werewolves’ fur and the way the Stewart interacted with the werewolves were just awful. Lautner’s werewolf didn’t have any great werewolf sounds either—no crazy cool growls, howls, or barks. There’s a notable whine from Lautner’s werewolf self, but other than that, the sound effects were subpar for werewolves. Honestly, the producers could have tape-recorded noises from Underworld and improved the sound editing for Lautner’s werewolf scenes. For the most part, the werewolves are just silently watching everything in the movie. Even with the werewolves standing still, the CGI effects were cheap and noticeable.

Finally, the humor in the film wouldn't even be good enough to be in a cheap romantic comedy churned out by Matthew McConaughey. The “twi-hards” were squealing and giggling constantly at the awkward tweenie humor. For me, the funniest moment happened while Edward proposed to Bella. {“Baby, you smell delicious, like the DelMacho Beef Burrito, and I can't resist you. Lets' get married.” “And I am mesmerized by you because you're a fucking vampire. I literally can't say no.” If that isn't true love, I don't know what is} The guy sitting next to me leaned back in his seat and the entire contents of his pocket emptied noisily only the floor followed by him hollering “son-of-a-bitch”. That made the film for me. And the pitcher of Shiner Bock helped out tremendously too.

Long story short, I can only find one appropriate way to rate Eclipse. As a romance film, Eclipse is worth 2.5 barf bags, with 0 barf bags being an amazing romantic film and 5 barf bags being the worst {Its like Golf, the lower your score, the better. If you don't score at all, you win. Edward the Vampire often confuses relationships with Golf}. Anyone who tries to classify Eclipse as being a sci-fi film should be shot. Good ideas for a fun sci-fi movie or horror movie are there, and that prevents the film from being completely awful. A good pitcher of beer on an empty stomach also helps the film from being a complete waste.

As long as Pattison and Stewart’s bad acting and weird onscreen romance remains, the film should never be considered as anything but an awful tweenie romance not worth comparing to really great film series such as Star Wars, Aliens, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, and other award-winning and noteworthy films. Eclipse is worth watching—but perhaps at home to not only fast forward through the sappy scenes, but also to avoid the crazed Twilight fans. I’d say that Eclipse is pretty comparable to James Cameron’s Titanic. Except, Titanic had better acting, better script writing, and better special effects. {So, if Titanic were made of poop, it would be Twilight}

I’m sure Twilight fans out there will disagree with me, but please know that yes, I have read the books and they were awful. I would also like to point out that out of all the midnight movie premiers that I have attended (all 6 Star Wars, all Harry Potters, all the LOTR, countless horror films, and all the Batmans—even the bad ones), the Twilight fans were the most annoying, rude, and disagreeable bunch I have ever encountered. Women were cutting in line, being loud and obnoxious, squealing, and just being completely unattractive by losing every redeeming quality that a lady could possibly possess {There was farting AND sweating; two things my mother said ladies don't do. Color me disillusioned}. I understand that women are swept up in the romance that the Twilight story puts forth—but that is no reason to set aside dignity and grace for a two-hour film. {Now a Chippendale's dance, yes} The gathering of stereotypical Twilight fans makes the Twilight series that much worse. Call me a “hater” if you will. Bring out the death threats. But someone needs to say that if Twilight fans want to be taken seriously, they need to start acting like civil human beings, recognize the series weaknesses, and not behave like crazed fans that would slaughter their mothers for a night with Pattison or Lautner... but that's a whole other article...