Xtupyd Fylmu N8me5

Magnolia Films graciously sent me the trailer and art for their upcoming release, S&MAN today.

... that's supposed to be pronounced 'Sandman', according to the little translation on the box. If your film's title needs a translation, you have issues.

For those not all into punctuation with a raging hard-on, that little squiggle mark, which we pronounce 'and' or 'n' is actually an Ampersand. So, the movie's full title, by my reading, is Sampersandman.... ? I guess we're supposed to see it and read S-and-Man, but when I looked at it, it only hurt my brain... and I can only assume its supposed to be a pun on S&M, though I see no references to sex in the trailer.

Just another exercise in crap marketing. I refuse to participate, Hollywood, no matter how many Se7ens and Tr2ns and Scre4ms and LXG's you throw at me.

Anyway, I haven't seen this director's other film, The Burrowers yet, but I hear good things from the horror community. (aside from the usual low-budget and story re-tread gripes)
At this point, the mockumentary set-up has be done over and over, and you can kinda tell just from the trailer where its all going. But, the execution may be good, this one got good word of mouth at a couple early screenings. I leave it to you to decide.

Legends of the Guardians: Beautiful, but Lacking in Gizzard

This weekend finds two major movies contending for your movie monies: Wall Street 2, and Legend of the Guardians: Owls of Ga'Hoole. Honestly, the two are so far apart in genre and style, you really shouldn't have much trouble choosing between the two, depending on your taste. 

But, hey, I got to see the preview screening of Legends last night, and maybe you're debating taking your kids to it, so here's a review.

The story is pretty basic. Its pretty much every other fantasy movie you've ever seen in the post-Star Wars era, only its about owls instead of people. So, its got that whole 'talking animal' thing going for it that seems to define the childrens' movie genre. Soren is the main owl, a young male just learning to fly, alongside his extremely competitive twin brother. The two of them bicker and argue a lot, with the twin often getting annoyed with Soren's tendency to daydream about his heroes, the Guardians of Ga'Hoole, rather than focus on their races. Soren lives with his head in the clouds, like so many Bastian Buxes.

Eventually, the two young owls are kidnapped by a group of larger owls, and taken to the hideout of the “Pure Ones”, where they are to be enslaved, along with myriad other young owls. This is essentially a race of Nazi owls who believe in a pure race of Tyto (barn owl) ruling over all the other owl races. The Nazi owls are led by Metal Beak, the legendary foe of the Guardians. Soren and his brother are Tyto owls, and soon they are divided, Soren resisting conditioning, with his brother being drawn in by promises of power, and joining the Pure Ones.

Soren, finding Metal Beak to be a reality, figures his heroes of lore must be the same, and so he escapes to find the Guardians.

Chances are that you can tell from the very simplistic description above whether or not this movie is going to grab you. Most of you will have already seen a dozen movies with similar stories, and so you can kind of tell what's going to happen, beat by beat. There will be a rag-tag group of heroes put together with some of the usual comedy-relief suspects. There will be a prophecy. There will be a training montage. There will be a betrayal. Ultimately, there will be a big fight, and our underdog young owl, Soren, will find a way to sneak into it and confront his brother.

I can't really call these spoilers, they've been in every fantasy movie for the last 30 years or so. You've even got a handful of Star Wars references, in the crazy Obi-Wan/Yoda-ish impish retired owl General, who instructs Soren in the arts of combat and how to 'use his gizzard' to feel out the way to fly in the final dogfights. Legends doesn't forget to add in the voice-over as Soren flies through the battle for his one-in-a-million shot “Use your gizzard, Soren. Trust your feelings.”

But, hey, this is a kids' movie, right? So in many regards, the simple plots and ideas really work for the film. The villains are reminiscent of 80's fantasy villains, Metal Beak bearing a resemblance to Darth Vader, with maybe a smidge of Willow's General Kael thrown in there. The other Nazi owls have the typical bad guy, Nazgul-ish, red eyes and metal mask kind of look. Its all a mish-mash of Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Eragon, Harry Potter, Willow, Golden Compass, Lady Hawk, Neverending Story, Sword in the Stone kind of ideas. Nothing real new, but enough to entertain your kids.

As a parent, you might find yourself a little bored by the simplistic plot, but you can try to entertain yourself by imagining how a Tea Party member might react to the very Socialist kind of idealized life the Guardians have created for themselves by living together in a big commune tree, everyone having a chore list to keep the society running, and everyone eating from a big, robust, group collective, with no poverty or wealth on either side of the spectrum. THOSE DAMN COMMIE OWLS!! THAT'S NOT WHAT OUR FOUNDING FATHERS FOUGHT FOR!

But, Legend of the Guardians does have one good thing to offer to both kids and adults alike, and that's the quality of its animation, which is of the highest caliber. Once you get over the initial jarring fact that the owls' beaks movie in a manner eerily like lips (!!), you can really learn to appreciate the detail of each feather, the generally realistic movement of the owls in flight, and the wonderfully rich and detailed landscapes that the owls inhabit.

Zack Snyder, of Watchmen and 300 fame, continues to show that, even if he doesn't have a gift for telling deep or nuanced stories, he does have an eye for stunning visuals. The movie is peppered with breathtaking images, all rendered perfectly in High-Def CG quality. Of particular splendor is the flight training sequence during a thunderstorm, accentuated with his trade-mark slo-mo abuse, the cracks of lightening illuminating the storm, each of thousands of little rain-drops individually animated and beating upon the wings of the owls, swirling in the tempestuous winds... it all makes for a pretty stunning sequence. You tend to forget, just for a moment, that you're watching a talking owl movie.

Can we just have Zack Snyder do animated, slo-mo nature documentaries?

Of course his eye for combat also lends itself to the climactic end sequence, which are probably better produced and more visceral and exciting than they have any right to be. The film was made with 3-D in mind, as well, and it adds to the show, if you've got the extra couple bucks to throw down for it.

Can't give all the props for that to Snyder, though, a lot of it has to go to David Caro (action coordination), Simon Whiteley (production design), and all the talented developers at Animal Logic who were in charge of the animation. As ever, these guys never get enough credit for their talent and hard work.

So, in the end, Legends of the Guardians somehow crams three whole books into one movie, and turns them into a shining example of adequacy. The story, the action, the acting, none of them ever excel to any great or exciting heights, and most parents may want to roll their eyes or take a little nap. But, your kids are bound to like it, and you might find some charm in all of its throwbacks to fantasy flicks of yore. Don't expect any new ideas, though.

The quality of the visuals and animation remain high, and many will be impressed by them, and rightly so. But the Owls of Ga'Hoole never really shows enough gizzard to inspire any real emotional moments, instead choosing to walk step-by-step down a well-tread path.

Or, fly, I guess. … some goddamn owl metaphor...

  

External Linkage

Just a little something. Review for Poo: The Card Game is up at Padinga.com

Yes, its a game about monkeys throwing shit at each other. And here you thought the world had nothing more to offer you. So, so wrong.

Padinga.com

External Linkage

My review for Machete is up on Brutal as Hell. Check it out here.

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The Long Awaited...Indy

Alright. Had an afternoon off, already got a movie review in for the day, time for a little personal writing. I think its time we revisited the sunny city of Indianapolis. Join me, will you? (smoking jacket, slippers)


Pretty much done writing about Gencon. At least on this venue. 


Heroclix was the majority of my time spent there, anyway. Day 1 of the Heroclix world championships was glorious. Poor booster pull, but the competition was fierce, and I was on top of my game. 4-1, with one loss in the final round. 
Day 2 , the dice lost all of their power. Dropped at 1-2. Still fun was had, though I didn't do as well as I'd liked. Really wanted to at least hit top 16, just to know I could. Had a great team lined up for that as well. Whatchagonnado?


But really, just felt like chronicling the adventures my uncle and I had in the city itself, and, specifically, the haunted tour we took.


Indianapolis itself is a pretty nice city. Its got a good mix of new construction, and antique architecture. The city has a clean appearance, but also an anachronistic visual, a conglomeration of times and styles. My favorite point in the city has to the be the war veteran's memorial, a giant obelisk reaching to the sky, a wonderful piece of architecture, a touch of European class in the middle of down-town America.


There's a few other oddities about the town. Things like the lack of separation between the industrial, the commercial, and the residential. There's a huge steel plant in the middle of town, marring the skyline by the stadium and the convention center. Old, dead railways cross from the city center into the little residential communities between downtown and the airport, which still have their small-town, midwestern feel. Well, except for the tremendous Hispanic community.


Also noticeable is the huge homeless population. At least around the convention center, the homeless dot all the sidewalks, two or three to each side of each block, all with signs asking for change... mostly stenciled. The city keeps a clean appearance but the poor population has to be pretty big all around.


Day 2 we went to a little bar, Average Joe's Pub. Sadly it was more like Subpar Joe's. But there were locals, and we asked them, "What's to do in this town?" "Oh, nothin' really. Come here, mostly." "Yeah?" "Yeah. You go outside, you're likely to get shot." "..."


Well, in our quest to find entertainment without getting shot, we found a couple restaurants. Hit up the Hard Rock Cafe, which has a good burger, and some delicious cheesecake, but a bland and tasteless bbq. Kazablanca turned out to also have a great deluxe pizza, India Palace isn't quite as good as the one in Lawrence and is a lot milder but still good, and then there was the Slippery Noodle...


On night 3, we were feelin' a little antsy for adventure. We'd been out to an asylum in the middle of the city. Its supposed to be haunted. It was pretty interesting, took the grounds tour, but the city is supposed to be selling it so they really don't talk about the haunting, for fear that it would deter the buyers (also, according to the groundskeeper in an off-the-record meeting *oops* the real sale deterrent will probably be the fact that the asylum was never really destroyed, just pushed down into the grounds, making the enormous land purchase unstable and unfit for building). So, we lit up when we found that a group at Gencon offers tours of haunted landmarks. 


Um... yeah. What crap.


Now, when you're on a haunted tour of the city, you hope to see some ghosts. Sure, its a longshot, but you think maybe you can snap some pictures of places, maybe get some orbs on film. Of course, that might require you to go INSIDE the buildings. I'm going to grant the tour group 2 things. First, I realize it might be hard to find a bunch of interesting places within walking distance of the convention site, and second, we might not be able to go into all of the places he finds. Permission and all that. But at least put some showmanship into it, fercrissakes. 


First stop, Union Station. Is this place haunted? Um... maybe? Our tour guide didn't even give us any concrete stories. "This is Union Station, it was build in the 20's and blah blah blah. Soldiers left from here to be deployed in the war. Also, their loved ones would often wait here for their GI's, some of whom would never come home, blah blah, negative energy."
So... what did the soldiers die here? Did some lover of a dead GI throw herself on the tracks? Why the hell do you think someone's actually haunting this place? Is there a story?
"Some people have said they hear noises. Others have seen lights go on and off," and other vague reports. End of story... wow, pretty lame. 


Stop two, The Slippery Noodle. I'd heard of this place. Also heard it was one of the most popular bars in town. I was skeptical. The story started off well, "Slippery Noodle was actually Indianapolis's most active brothel at one point. John Dillinger stayed here, and there were numerous gunfights." Okay, now we're getting somewhere, "Hold on, let me check my notes *flip flip*.... .... ... okay, so lots of paranormal sightings here. They think bodies had been buried here after gunfights, and it was said a crew found skeletons when putting new foundation in the basement. One time a worker went downstairs, and a guy was cleaning up. And the worker came back up, and he was like, 'Hey, who's the new guy?' and they were like 'No one else was down there.' ... Celebrities have been here like Gene Simmons from Kiss and... and John Dillinger, once, I think... one time there was a concert, and the guy cleaning up heard footsteps above him. He ran and they seemed to follow him... and one time... b-bones. I think they found bones.... how are we for time?"


Gaaah! I wanted to scream this guy was so lame. All of us tourees were just standing around in stunned silence. The above story took about twenty minutes to tell, as he read it off of his papers. No panache. Where's the magic, guy? Where's our chance to look at some of the old whore rooms in the bar? Nothin?... 


So, anyway, the Slippery Noodle's ghosts claimed two more victims that night. We were right behind the tourguide when he started to the next location, and when he turned around again... we were gone! The mystery of the vanishing tourists. No easy feat, considering my Uncle's size. 


So we slipped, appropriately enough, into the Slippery Noodle. This place was cool, and will be a Gencon regular stop. Good bar food in addition to some good restaurant dishes at dinner time. They had a nice laid back interior, big and spacious to boot, and some low-key live jazz goin in the back room. We stayed in the front where the music lazily echoed down the halls, and it set up a nice atmosphere. Had a couple good beers for a decent price. I can see why all the bands hang there after their concerts. No ghosts though.


On the way out, we crossed paths with the tour guide on his way back from the group. He probably thought we were ghosts. 
... and in retrospect, shit, that tour was $12 per person. There were a couple dozen of us in the group. That guy pulled in like $270 off of us. For an hour of walking a circle around the convention center. Could he really not arrange to get us inside someplace?


So, anyway, we also went to a stripclub that evening. In a word: rough. Well, not the crowd, the boys were all pretty sedated. The ladies were kind of rough. 
I did appreciate that the cute girls had no boobs of anykind, though. Its nice to see some natural, even curveless girls. I'm a sucker for a pretty face, anyway. 
But, everyone seemed half asleep, and none of the girls really put any effort into the dances. But the were cheap, Don got a lapdance for like $10. 
I'd promised my favorite girl to look but not touch, anyway, so lapdances weren't happening... not that I really spend money at stripclubs anyway. I'm cheap. I spent the evening texting back and forth with the lovely Miss JJ, a higher caliber of lady, and more entertaining and alluring, even with her top on. 


The last night in Indy, we were really treated to just how slow and sleepy the city was. We went to a sports bar, where we were the only patrons inside. After a few tense moments with the lone old lady bartender, we snuck out to a more happenin' country bar. We had a good time people watching, examining the ladies going around getting free drinks and playing up jealousies, the tough guys, the desperate guys, and all the ways people played their games. Same in the BIble Belt as it is anywhere else. 


We bid Indianapolis a fond farewell at last. But really, we'd sucked all the life out of the city. Decent food, sleepy bars, humble midwesterners afraid of the homeless people, and lackluster strippers (at least, compared to my California girls). Another day would have been too much. 


But, it was better than Springfield. Fuck Springfield. 

Poster Monster, Monster Poster

I'm really, really pumped for this movie to come out. Magnolia sent me some images, including the new poster today. If you guys haven't seen it yet, check this out:

Synopsis: Six years ago NASA discovered the possibility of alien life within our solar system. A probe was launched to collect samples, but crashed upon re-entry over Central America. Soon after, new life forms began to appear and grow. In an effort to stem the destruction that resulted, half of Mexico was quarantined as an INFECTED ZONE. Today, the American and Mexican military still struggle to contain the massive creatures... Our story begins when a jaded US journalist (McNairy) begrudgingly agrees to find his boss’ daughter, a shaken American tourist (Able) and escort her through the infected zone to the safety of the US border.


I've been told this is as much a romance as it is a monster film, a slow-burning drama that explores the human characters as much as, or more than, the now alien landscape around them. Fine by me; you need compelling characters to follow, and as long as the payoff is big...


You can find more in this review from my friend Britt Hayes, where she spoke with the Director.


And, of course, the trailer: