Woo! Busy month here. Despite unemployment, I spent a few weeks being too busy to really do any reviews or general blogs. Just about done with a new screenplay short, and will be working on it with Aubry Peters as soon as we can get together again, probably at the start of the new year.
In the meantime, I'm working at Amazon.com. Just call me Ramona Flowers.
On the creative front, Aubry and PMP Productions just finished their first full-length feature production. Its a little indy written and directed by Aubry, and featuring all of the PMP Crew in various roles. While it has its foibles due to budget constraints, the script is very heart-felt, and I think Aubry did a great job with his first real epic endeavor.
And I was a writing consultant, so of course I'm going to pimp the shit out of it.
The premiere is this week, Sunday the 12th at 7PM at the Granada in Lawrence, KS. Go on out, support some local cinema. Hell, its free, where else can you get 2 hours of free entertainment?
Synopsis: Clint, Derek, and Ben, three young bachelors who think they have life figured out. By day its drinks and frisbee golf, by night its parties and an endless stream of sexual conquests. But when Clint is confronted by the return of 'the one who got away', the once unflappable bastard is forced to re-examine his lifestyle. Clint's quest for answers sends the household into tumult. Derek questions the solidarity of his long-term relationship, beginning a quest to recapture the passions of his single days. Meanwhile, Ben struggles to find compromise between his desire and his gentleman's ways. Can old flames be rekindled? How can you ever be sure you've found the right one? Do nice guys always finish last? They hope to find their answers hidden in the darkest corners of bars, the lowest depths of beer bottles, and between the sheets of strange women. Once experts at 'the game', the trio finds the rules are changing around them, and within them. The lines between love, lust, and desperation may be more blurred than they had ever believed.
Did I mention it has an awesome soundtrack by Approach and others from his label? Cuz it does.
Blogging-wise, October was a bust. But it was excellent for my working and my savings, so I can't complain too much.
I spent September and October working for the Democratic Party of Nevada, fighting to keep several key incumbents with significant achievement lists in office, despite the ever-growing sentiment of 'Throw the bums out'. (Look out, Republicans. You'll be the bums in 2 years.) Anyway, mission accomplished, 5 of my 6 Assembly persons stayed in office, along with Harry Reid. Despite a significant swing in the Republican direction, I hope that we maintained enough seats to have a balanced government, and to keep intellectual discourse alive in the state's government.
So, I spent the month of October working 7-days a week, all the way to election day. And now, nothing. That said, its time to get back to some writing.
To kick it off, here's two articles I managed to get finished up during the election season that I forgot to promote here. Go back, read, enjoy.
Magnolia Films graciously sent me the trailer and art for their upcoming release, S&MAN today.
... that's supposed to be pronounced 'Sandman', according to the little translation on the box. If your film's title needs a translation, you have issues.
For those not all into punctuation with a raging hard-on, that little squiggle mark, which we pronounce 'and' or 'n' is actually an Ampersand. So, the movie's full title, by my reading, is Sampersandman.... ? I guess we're supposed to see it and read S-and-Man, but when I looked at it, it only hurt my brain... and I can only assume its supposed to be a pun on S&M, though I see no references to sex in the trailer.
Just another exercise in crap marketing. I refuse to participate, Hollywood, no matter how many Se7ens and Tr2ns and Scre4ms and LXG's you throw at me.
Anyway, I haven't seen this director's other film, The Burrowers yet, but I hear good things from the horror community. (aside from the usual low-budget and story re-tread gripes)
At this point, the mockumentary set-up has be done over and over, and you can kinda tell just from the trailer where its all going. But, the execution may be good, this one got good word of mouth at a couple early screenings. I leave it to you to decide.
This weekend finds two major movies contending for your movie monies: Wall Street 2, and Legend of the Guardians: Owls of Ga'Hoole. Honestly, the two are so far apart in genre and style, you really shouldn't have much trouble choosing between the two, depending on your taste.
But, hey, I got to see the preview screening of Legends last night, and maybe you're debating taking your kids to it, so here's a review.
The story is pretty basic. Its pretty much every other fantasy movie you've ever seen in the post-Star Wars era, only its about owls instead of people. So, its got that whole 'talking animal' thing going for it that seems to define the childrens' movie genre. Soren is the main owl, a young male just learning to fly, alongside his extremely competitive twin brother. The two of them bicker and argue a lot, with the twin often getting annoyed with Soren's tendency to daydream about his heroes, the Guardians of Ga'Hoole, rather than focus on their races. Soren lives with his head in the clouds, like so many Bastian Buxes.
Eventually, the two young owls are kidnapped by a group of larger owls, and taken to the hideout of the “Pure Ones”, where they are to be enslaved, along with myriad other young owls. This is essentially a race of Nazi owls who believe in a pure race of Tyto (barn owl) ruling over all the other owl races. The Nazi owls are led by Metal Beak, the legendary foe of the Guardians. Soren and his brother are Tyto owls, and soon they are divided, Soren resisting conditioning, with his brother being drawn in by promises of power, and joining the Pure Ones.
Soren, finding Metal Beak to be a reality, figures his heroes of lore must be the same, and so he escapes to find the Guardians.
Chances are that you can tell from the very simplistic description above whether or not this movie is going to grab you. Most of you will have already seen a dozen movies with similar stories, and so you can kind of tell what's going to happen, beat by beat. There will be a rag-tag group of heroes put together with some of the usual comedy-relief suspects. There will be a prophecy. There will be a training montage. There will be a betrayal. Ultimately, there will be a big fight, and our underdog young owl, Soren, will find a way to sneak into it and confront his brother.
I can't really call these spoilers, they've been in every fantasy movie for the last 30 years or so. You've even got a handful of Star Wars references, in the crazy Obi-Wan/Yoda-ish impish retired owl General, who instructs Soren in the arts of combat and how to 'use his gizzard' to feel out the way to fly in the final dogfights. Legends doesn't forget to add in the voice-over as Soren flies through the battle for his one-in-a-million shot “Use your gizzard, Soren. Trust your feelings.”
But, hey, this is a kids' movie, right? So in many regards, the simple plots and ideas really work for the film. The villains are reminiscent of 80's fantasy villains, Metal Beak bearing a resemblance to Darth Vader, with maybe a smidge of Willow's General Kael thrown in there. The other Nazi owls have the typical bad guy, Nazgul-ish, red eyes and metal mask kind of look. Its all a mish-mash of Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Eragon, Harry Potter, Willow, Golden Compass, Lady Hawk, Neverending Story, Sword in the Stone kind of ideas. Nothing real new, but enough to entertain your kids.
As a parent, you might find yourself a little bored by the simplistic plot, but you can try to entertain yourself by imagining how a Tea Party member might react to the very Socialist kind of idealized life the Guardians have created for themselves by living together in a big commune tree, everyone having a chore list to keep the society running, and everyone eating from a big, robust, group collective, with no poverty or wealth on either side of the spectrum. THOSE DAMN COMMIE OWLS!! THAT'S NOT WHAT OUR FOUNDING FATHERS FOUGHT FOR!
But, Legend of the Guardians does have one good thing to offer to both kids and adults alike, and that's the quality of its animation, which is of the highest caliber. Once you get over the initial jarring fact that the owls' beaks movie in a manner eerily like lips (!!), you can really learn to appreciate the detail of each feather, the generally realistic movement of the owls in flight, and the wonderfully rich and detailed landscapes that the owls inhabit.
Zack Snyder, of Watchmen and 300 fame, continues to show that, even if he doesn't have a gift for telling deep or nuanced stories, he does have an eye for stunning visuals. The movie is peppered with breathtaking images, all rendered perfectly in High-Def CG quality. Of particular splendor is the flight training sequence during a thunderstorm, accentuated with his trade-mark slo-mo abuse, the cracks of lightening illuminating the storm, each of thousands of little rain-drops individually animated and beating upon the wings of the owls, swirling in the tempestuous winds... it all makes for a pretty stunning sequence. You tend to forget, just for a moment, that you're watching a talking owl movie.
Can we just have Zack Snyder do animated, slo-mo nature documentaries?
Of course his eye for combat also lends itself to the climactic end sequence, which are probably better produced and more visceral and exciting than they have any right to be. The film was made with 3-D in mind, as well, and it adds to the show, if you've got the extra couple bucks to throw down for it.
Can't give all the props for that to Snyder, though, a lot of it has to go to David Caro (action coordination), Simon Whiteley (production design), and all the talented developers at Animal Logic who were in charge of the animation. As ever, these guys never get enough credit for their talent and hard work.
So, in the end, Legends of the Guardians somehow crams three whole books into one movie, and turns them into a shining example of adequacy. The story, the action, the acting, none of them ever excel to any great or exciting heights, and most parents may want to roll their eyes or take a little nap. But, your kids are bound to like it, and you might find some charm in all of its throwbacks to fantasy flicks of yore. Don't expect any new ideas, though.
The quality of the visuals and animation remain high, and many will be impressed by them, and rightly so. But the Owls of Ga'Hoole never really shows enough gizzard to inspire any real emotional moments, instead choosing to walk step-by-step down a well-tread path.
Alright. Had an afternoon off, already got a movie review in for the day, time for a little personal writing. I think its time we revisited the sunny city of Indianapolis. Join me, will you? (smoking jacket, slippers)
Pretty much done writing about Gencon. At least on this venue.
Heroclix was the majority of my time spent there, anyway. Day 1 of the Heroclix world championships was glorious. Poor booster pull, but the competition was fierce, and I was on top of my game. 4-1, with one loss in the final round. Day 2 , the dice lost all of their power. Dropped at 1-2. Still fun was had, though I didn't do as well as I'd liked. Really wanted to at least hit top 16, just to know I could. Had a great team lined up for that as well. Whatchagonnado?
But really, just felt like chronicling the adventures my uncle and I had in the city itself, and, specifically, the haunted tour we took.
Indianapolis itself is a pretty nice city. Its got a good mix of new construction, and antique architecture. The city has a clean appearance, but also an anachronistic visual, a conglomeration of times and styles. My favorite point in the city has to the be the war veteran's memorial, a giant obelisk reaching to the sky, a wonderful piece of architecture, a touch of European class in the middle of down-town America.
There's a few other oddities about the town. Things like the lack of separation between the industrial, the commercial, and the residential. There's a huge steel plant in the middle of town, marring the skyline by the stadium and the convention center. Old, dead railways cross from the city center into the little residential communities between downtown and the airport, which still have their small-town, midwestern feel. Well, except for the tremendous Hispanic community.
Also noticeable is the huge homeless population. At least around the convention center, the homeless dot all the sidewalks, two or three to each side of each block, all with signs asking for change... mostly stenciled. The city keeps a clean appearance but the poor population has to be pretty big all around.
Day 2 we went to a little bar, Average Joe's Pub. Sadly it was more like Subpar Joe's. But there were locals, and we asked them, "What's to do in this town?" "Oh, nothin' really. Come here, mostly." "Yeah?" "Yeah. You go outside, you're likely to get shot." "..."
Well, in our quest to find entertainment without getting shot, we found a couple restaurants. Hit up the Hard Rock Cafe, which has a good burger, and some delicious cheesecake, but a bland and tasteless bbq. Kazablanca turned out to also have a great deluxe pizza, India Palace isn't quite as good as the one in Lawrence and is a lot milder but still good, and then there was the Slippery Noodle...
On night 3, we were feelin' a little antsy for adventure. We'd been out to an asylum in the middle of the city. Its supposed to be haunted. It was pretty interesting, took the grounds tour, but the city is supposed to be selling it so they really don't talk about the haunting, for fear that it would deter the buyers (also, according to the groundskeeper in an off-the-record meeting *oops* the real sale deterrent will probably be the fact that the asylum was never really destroyed, just pushed down into the grounds, making the enormous land purchase unstable and unfit for building). So, we lit up when we found that a group at Gencon offers tours of haunted landmarks.
Um... yeah. What crap.
Now, when you're on a haunted tour of the city, you hope to see some ghosts. Sure, its a longshot, but you think maybe you can snap some pictures of places, maybe get some orbs on film. Of course, that might require you to go INSIDE the buildings. I'm going to grant the tour group 2 things. First, I realize it might be hard to find a bunch of interesting places within walking distance of the convention site, and second, we might not be able to go into all of the places he finds. Permission and all that. But at least put some showmanship into it, fercrissakes.
First stop, Union Station. Is this place haunted? Um... maybe? Our tour guide didn't even give us any concrete stories. "This is Union Station, it was build in the 20's and blah blah blah. Soldiers left from here to be deployed in the war. Also, their loved ones would often wait here for their GI's, some of whom would never come home, blah blah, negative energy." So... what did the soldiers die here? Did some lover of a dead GI throw herself on the tracks? Why the hell do you think someone's actually haunting this place? Is there a story? "Some people have said they hear noises. Others have seen lights go on and off," and other vague reports. End of story... wow, pretty lame.
Stop two, The Slippery Noodle. I'd heard of this place. Also heard it was one of the most popular bars in town. I was skeptical. The story started off well, "Slippery Noodle was actually Indianapolis's most active brothel at one point. John Dillinger stayed here, and there were numerous gunfights." Okay, now we're getting somewhere, "Hold on, let me check my notes *flip flip*.... .... ... okay, so lots of paranormal sightings here. They think bodies had been buried here after gunfights, and it was said a crew found skeletons when putting new foundation in the basement. One time a worker went downstairs, and a guy was cleaning up. And the worker came back up, and he was like, 'Hey, who's the new guy?' and they were like 'No one else was down there.' ... Celebrities have been here like Gene Simmons from Kiss and... and John Dillinger, once, I think... one time there was a concert, and the guy cleaning up heard footsteps above him. He ran and they seemed to follow him... and one time... b-bones. I think they found bones.... how are we for time?"
Gaaah! I wanted to scream this guy was so lame. All of us tourees were just standing around in stunned silence. The above story took about twenty minutes to tell, as he read it off of his papers. No panache. Where's the magic, guy? Where's our chance to look at some of the old whore rooms in the bar? Nothin?...
So, anyway, the Slippery Noodle's ghosts claimed two more victims that night. We were right behind the tourguide when he started to the next location, and when he turned around again... we were gone! The mystery of the vanishing tourists. No easy feat, considering my Uncle's size.
So we slipped, appropriately enough, into the Slippery Noodle. This place was cool, and will be a Gencon regular stop. Good bar food in addition to some good restaurant dishes at dinner time. They had a nice laid back interior, big and spacious to boot, and some low-key live jazz goin in the back room. We stayed in the front where the music lazily echoed down the halls, and it set up a nice atmosphere. Had a couple good beers for a decent price. I can see why all the bands hang there after their concerts. No ghosts though.
On the way out, we crossed paths with the tour guide on his way back from the group. He probably thought we were ghosts. ... and in retrospect, shit, that tour was $12 per person. There were a couple dozen of us in the group. That guy pulled in like $270 off of us. For an hour of walking a circle around the convention center. Could he really not arrange to get us inside someplace?
So, anyway, we also went to a stripclub that evening. In a word: rough. Well, not the crowd, the boys were all pretty sedated. The ladies were kind of rough. I did appreciate that the cute girls had no boobs of anykind, though. Its nice to see some natural, even curveless girls. I'm a sucker for a pretty face, anyway. But, everyone seemed half asleep, and none of the girls really put any effort into the dances. But the were cheap, Don got a lapdance for like $10. I'd promised my favorite girl to look but not touch, anyway, so lapdances weren't happening... not that I really spend money at stripclubs anyway. I'm cheap. I spent the evening texting back and forth with the lovely Miss JJ, a higher caliber of lady, and more entertaining and alluring, even with her top on.
The last night in Indy, we were really treated to just how slow and sleepy the city was. We went to a sports bar, where we were the only patrons inside. After a few tense moments with the lone old lady bartender, we snuck out to a more happenin' country bar. We had a good time people watching, examining the ladies going around getting free drinks and playing up jealousies, the tough guys, the desperate guys, and all the ways people played their games. Same in the BIble Belt as it is anywhere else.
We bid Indianapolis a fond farewell at last. But really, we'd sucked all the life out of the city. Decent food, sleepy bars, humble midwesterners afraid of the homeless people, and lackluster strippers (at least, compared to my California girls). Another day would have been too much.
But, it was better than Springfield. Fuck Springfield.
I'm really, really pumped for this movie to come out. Magnolia sent me some images, including the new poster today. If you guys haven't seen it yet, check this out:
Synopsis: Six years ago NASA discovered the possibility of alien life within our solar system. A probe was launched to collect samples, but crashed upon re-entry over Central America. Soon after, new life forms began to appear and grow. In an effort to stem the destruction that resulted, half of Mexico was quarantined as an INFECTED ZONE. Today, the American and Mexican military still struggle to contain the massive creatures... Our story begins when a jaded US journalist (McNairy) begrudgingly agrees to find his boss’ daughter, a shaken American tourist (Able) and escort her through the infected zone to the safety of the US border.
I've been told this is as much a romance as it is a monster film, a slow-burning drama that explores the human characters as much as, or more than, the now alien landscape around them. Fine by me; you need compelling characters to follow, and as long as the payoff is big...
You can find more in this review from my friend Britt Hayes, where she spoke with the Director.
I really have been half-assing this blog lately. I mean, look back at June. I was a blogging monster. July I was traveling a lot. So, what about August?
Well, I have my reasons. Be it job hunting, visits from lovely ladies, or setting up my future monarchy over the crumbled nations of the world, I've had constructive things to do. Most importantly, I've been finishing a screenplay for Glenbrook Studios, so hopefully there'll be more good news about that in the future.
Well, maybe not MOST importantly. Its a tough call between that and the lovely ladies. Tied for first, then.
In the meantime, I got a Press Kit in the mail today for a new horror flick, and I figured it would be a shame to let it go to waste. So, here it is, the one you've all been waiting for: Lake Placid 3.
Now, I know what you're thinking, because its exactly the same thing I was thinking, "What the Hell were Lake Placids 1 and 2?... wait, is that the one with the giant alligator?"
Luckily, the press kit came with a copy of the box art and... yes, yes it is:
Ah! Look at that punny tag-line at the bottom of the box! Ha! High School kids will see that at Wal-Mart and be messing up their Your/You're forms for years. Priceless.
Anyway, if the press kit is any indication, they're going full-out camp on this one. And really, could it go any other direction. The first Lake Placid took itself a bit too seriously, and when you get into the sequels, well, you've got to start poking fun at yourself.
For the festivities they've lined up Yancy Butler (who the Press Release mysteriously credits for her bit part in Kick-Ass, despite her leading role in Witchblade.) and Michael Fucking Ironside (his real middle name, I'm sure) who makes anything more awesome.
The write-up promises not only copious amounts of gore, but also full frontal nudity, so at least they know the target audience they're shooting for.
Of course, I write that assuming its female nudity, and as I do, I realize that over half of all movie goers are female now (Last Exorcism was exit-polled at 52% female, as a recent example), so maybe they're shooting for that 'girls who like tits' demographic... or maybe there'll be cocks in the movie. And if not (probably not) maybe there should be.
Anyway, here's a trailer:
This movie got me thinking. I mean, do they generate sequels off of a numeric formula? Surely. I can't imagine someone going through pitch ideas, and a studio exec being, "Yes! That is exactly what our studio needs to produce. ANOTHER giant alligator movie! That's 4 in the last decade!" and I doubt this is a labor of love for any young, upstart director.
Some guy in an office has to be looking at profit from the last two, deducting a percentage of drop off from sequel to sequel, figuring how much money they can throw at it, calculating any losses of revenue from an obviously lower-budget production, how much money some B-level talent's names can rake in and VOILA! Product! We can profit like $250,000 off of this, as long as there's X gallons of blood and Y pairs of boobs! Better throw in Z vaginas just in case!
Well, whatever keeps Ironside in work, I guess. If you like Boobs, Blood, and Bad Acting (and really, who doesn't?) I'm sure Lake Placid 3 will deliver the goods. I'll let you know when I get my hands on it.
RELEASE DATE: October 26th. Just in time for your animal horror themed Halloween party.
Shit, I really need to go back and finish that last blog entry. The problem with writing while you're on a road-trip is that you inevitably get caught up in the excitement of the vacation itself, and the writing falters...
In the meantime, here's the final entry in the Brutal As Hell series, The Lucky 13. Our 13th and final category is Slashers, and we bring you some of the best, and most obscure, slashers of all time. Its been a good, gory summer on that site. Lets go out with a bang!
Gencon day 2. A longer day, and I enter the Heroclix World Championship tomorrow, so I need a good night's rest.
HOWEVER, a brief rundown of what was had and seen this morning, to be detailed in time:
-In the Exhibit Hall (Digital Cataan awesomeness)
- People Watching
- Web of Spider-Man release event
- Dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe
- Our really lame ghost adventure
- The Slippery Noodle
Are you excited? I know I am... or was... and well be again... whatever. More later!
"Sandra Bullock could fly out on a jet, come over and fuck me silly, and it still wouldn't top this moment. Here in the car, listening to this music, eating this gigantic Nut Log, this is the best moment of the day. Its all downhill from here."
Yes, the day topped out early for the Hall boys.
We're on our way out to Gencon, the world's largest gaming convention. Board games that is. Table top. Pen and paper. Dice. Little plastic figures. Nerds. LARP.
Today was all about the journey, however. At 5 AM my uncle Donald and I (Donald not a gamer, just along to help me at and around the convention, so his reaction should be pretty interesting.) left Lawrence in his truck, and plowed through the heart of the Midwest and the Bible Belt.
The first pitstop was the real highlight. An American tradition. Stuckey's.
For those shamefully unaware, Stuckey's is a chain of truckstops that used to pepper the country at exits all along every major highway. Now relegated almost exclusively to the Midwest and deep South, what Stuckey's are left tend to be shacked up with a Diary Queen, and continue to offer their unique blend of nick-nacks, trucker tools, coloring books and snacks.
In particular, the Pecan Nut Log and the Goo Goo. Either one is rich enough to induce a colon explosion upon contact.
So it was that, Nut Logs in hand (an an emergency stash of Goo Goos in the cooler) that we hit the road, led on by the soothing sounds of John Anderson's 'Swingin'. Red letter day, right there.
The Midwest is an odd place. I can say that, having lived in a small town for so long. Mostly, its a bunch of little road stops in a state of disrepair, inhabited by old men and truckers.
But, there's something to be proud of here. Oh, sure the whole 'Bible Belt' protest against everything new and different attitude is kinda creepy... but really, that's just something that's gotten worse in the last ten years or so as the country, especially the Heartland, has begun to falter. People are afraid, they look back to the times when they were happier, not sure exactly why those times seemed better, and they try to use powerful relics like religions to recall them back into existence. I can't blame them.
But, its still friendly folks, hard workers, and green, so much green. And peaceful, restful quiet.
I was sitting in town square in my little hometown of Baldwin the other evening. Despite the lovely new fountain they've installed, and some great public works projects, still a lot of the businesses have closed, a lot of the businesses are in disrepair.
Its all part of the trend of the large business swallowing the small, the large city swallowing the town. The death of small town America. But I've lived in both, and while I love city life, I can't help but also love the quiet of Baldwin. No constant drum of traffic. No endless sirens. No fighting drunks. Just peace.
For a moment, I looked at quiet, slowly dying Baldwin and thought "This used to be a place you could be proud of." But I realized that wasn't right. The truth is that people have just forgotten what to be proud of.
Its really not monuments of capitalism and monsters of industry. Progress shouldn't be measured in mass marketing and production. Progress should be measured in peace and community. And there it was in sleepy little Baldwin.
It may not have the energy I need now, while I'm young and speeding through life. But it was a good place to be born, and it would be a good place to die.
... I'm getting off track. Gencon. We continued our journey, looking for a good Mom and Pop place to get lunch. Donald and I have both come to generally avoid chains when we can, and prefer fresh food (something terribly hard to find in Vegas). We wanted to find someplace delightfully weird, perhaps a "Somali Tamale" or "King Tut's Nut Hut", but to no avail. Finally, we stopped at Country Kitchen, a modest truck stop diner off of I-70 in Effingham (home of The Cross!). Surprisingly good. All you can eat friend chicken and mashed potatoes. Fresh, hot, crispy. Not necessarily exceptional, but probably the best truck stop I've eaten at.
After battling the Itis (and possibly running over a hobo? We'll never know for sure) we made it to Indianapolis.... which is kind of a boring town. For a place as big as it is, there is virtually no nightlife here. Hopefully Gencon will offer up some more interesting nocturnal activities via con events.
But it was good to be among fellow nerds, already gathering for pick-up games in the convention center halls, a full day before the event even started. Looks to be a big turn-out this year. The number of sexy tattooed gamer girls continues to grow, which is always a plus.
After scoping out the convention center and Lucas Oil Stadium, we succumbed to a road-weary nap, and awoke to a sudden and tremendous lightening storm. I've missed Kansas's tremendous storms, so it was nice to get a little nature show while I was on vacation. The lightening was the entertainment during dinner at Kazablanka, a little Greek restaurant that only had maybe 6 Greek items on the menu. We got Philly Cheese Steak sandwiches, which were really very good.
And then we spent the rest of the night laughing at this:
Overall, a successful and pretty easy trip. Tomorrow marks the first day of the 'con proper, and the Web of Spider-Man release event tournament for me.
Also, some special activities reserved for after the con...
Yes friends, that's right, another week, another Lucky 13!
We finally get around to the all-time fan favorite, the zombie. Its fresh and goopy, and up at Brutal as Hell. Don't forget to check our friends over at Vault of Horror for their take.
After this, I"m off to Gencon for a few days, so maybe some new coolness on here from that. Games abound!
Another week, another Lucky 13! This week, we examine the greatest Serial Killer flicks ever created. Its up at Brutal as Hell. And dont' forget to flip on over to Vault of Horror for the second half of this week's in-depth review.
Yes, its that time again. Time for the Lucky 13! This week, its the best of Werewolves. Werewolves that are not half-naked Indian boys. Try to pay attention, regardless.
Some more horror goodness in the form of Rec 2! Review now posted at Brutal As Hell. The review is a precursor to a Q&A session I had with the directors of the film, which will be posting soon.
Yes, its that time again. Time for another Lucky 13 at Brutal As Hell! This week, we celebrate the holiday by giving you our favorite Psychological Horrors!... in retrospect, holiday themed horror movies might have been the better sub-genre. Eh, fuck it.
Its time for a woman's perspective! A first for the ol' Pop Aristocrat here: A guest reviewer! I can't be bothered with Twilight myself, not after the first film's lack-of-quality-to-box-office-take ratio nearly drove me to suicide. I prefer to stay ignorant. But, Twilight is such a large flash-in-the-pan... er, excuse me, social phenomenon, I don't think it should not be covered.
So, my friend and ally Jessica Brumm, Texas law student and sass-mouth extraordinaire, offered her services as my Twilight reviewer. We'll call her Scrappy, just the way she likes it. So, armed only with a pitcher of beer and a resilience to the soul-crushing power of chick flicks that only a vagina can grant, she braved Eclipse and brought us back these words of wisdom.
{And I also added my own snarky banter because, hell, its still my goddamn blog.}
With no further ado, take it away Scrappy!
Eclipse teaches young teenage girls a wonderful lesson: don’t agree to get married unless you try to have sex first. Edward proposes several times to Bella, but Bella only agrees to marriage if Edward will try to have sex with her. This is the most bizarre romantic twist to a storyline of star-crossed lovers that has been avoided by Shakespeare and Jane Austen for a reason: it’s a lame and completely unbelievable.
{“ Juliet, wilt thou marry me?”“Oh Romeo, yes, but first I must feel your thrust twixt my nethers, lest we marry to find our coupling unsatisfying. Take me, ravage me now.”“Ew, no. Mine father has said the whipsering eye of a lady 'tis slimy and weird.” “Um...” “It means your vagina.” }
It’s sad really. I’m not a fan of romance films in general—but there are several films and storylines filled with believable romantic antics {because you can't spell romantic, without antic! }that can be appreciated by all: Sense and Sensibility, Pride and Prejudice, Romeo and Juliet, What Dreams May Come, Life is Beautiful, and most importantly, Shaun of the Dead. Believability is the key to any good story. A beautiful headstrong girl meets beautiful headstrong boy. Chaos ensues and causes various mishaps between the ill-fated characters. Eventually the couple reconciles and they live happily ever after—or in Romeo and Juliet’s case, they die—but either way, the couple ends up together one way or another, right?
Twilight does add a few interesting elements to the familiar star-crossed lovers’ story—it includes an ancient mutant “vegetarian” vampire, Edward, falling in love with a plain-looking, clumsy, 17 year-old girl, Bella. {Because she smells delicious, don't forget that. I hope to meet a girl one day that is clumsy and plain, but smells like Del Taco, so I can take her home... and then proceed to not have sex with her. In retrospect, I suppose just about any girl who works at Del Taco would fit this bill. I need to go down the street and order up a fresh plate of infatuation. } A “veggie” vampire is, of course, a vampire that loves humans so the vampire only drinks the blood of animals. This veggie vampire is part of a veggie-vampire coven considered enemies of an evil, ancient underground vampire government. Veggie vampires are also hunted by horse-sized werewolves capable of transforming at anytime—regardless of the moon’s cycles. As scores of other films and books prove, werewolf and vampire battles are normally intriguing. But this bizarre and unbelievable Mormon-written romance buries all the awesomeness a supernatural war could possibly bring. { Could Edward's love of Bella be considered a food-fetish? }
I will concede to the Twilight fans, the film has its moments. It is not completely “twi-tarded.” I’d say maybe an hour of the film is watchable for those who are not “twi-hards.” Bella’s father is actually not too bad. He plays the awkward father in charge of the awkward teen romance quite well. One of the veggie vampires talks about how she died after being gang-raped by her former fiancé and his friends {That is also pretty awkward}. There is a quick glimpse of how her revenge on those men played out—which is twisted and very cool.
One of the coolest characters in the entire series, Jasper, gets a small amount of face time. He describes how in the South, during the Civil War, he participated in vampire turf wars by building up large vampire armies to take out other vampire armies {Westside Story comes to mind}. The idea of a vampire turf war between vampire armies sounds amazing and it’s a shame only a few minutes of the film were dedicated to Jasper.
The film’s best moments travel outside of what was included in the book. In the book, Bella misses the big fight scene between an evil vampire army versus a united front of werewolves and mutant, veggie vampires. In the book, the aftermath of the battle is described, but the actual battle isn’t really covered. In the film, the fight scene is short—but pretty fun. The movie also goes outside the original Eclipse book to include scenes showing the evil vampire army building its ranks. {“Hey, kid, you wanna be a vampire and live forever?”“Yeah, cool!”“Allright then, but you gotta come fight a war against these giant fucking wolves. I mean HUGE.”“But they can't hurt us, right?”“Oh, they will fuck you up! You might be alive forever without arms, legs, or genitals after this fight.”“Yeah, think I'll pass.”“Where's your fucking loyalty!? I have known you for like 15 seconds and already you're refusing to go to war with me for the sake of murdering some 17 year old girl.”“Tell me again, how did you manage to attract all these followers? And why don't you just sniper the bitch? I mean, it seems like that might at least take the werewolves off guard. They tend to notice dozens of vampires moving en masse around these sleepy, suddenly bloodless, little towns.” } These semi-violent scenes of the vampire army make it watchable for those of us who do not enjoy the horrible romance between a pedophile, veggie-vampire and an annoying 17 year old kid.
Despite these few redeeming moments in the film, Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart couldn’t act to save their lives. Honestly, the film ended for me after the vampire-werewolf battle ended. After that, it’s just Pattison and Stewart attempting to act as Edward and Bella. The romance scenes between them were drawn out with long awkward pauses, nervous glances, and weird “tweenie” moments that made half the audience giggle with glee. {Edward, the Methuselah, falling in love with a teen girl is akin to me falling in love with an embryo}
More audience squeals came whenever the half-naked Taylor Lautner appeared onscreen. It’s a bit disturbing because most of the audience is old enough to be Lautner’s mother, or even grandmother. {That guy is so ripped, even his cock has abs. And that's hot no matter how old you are. } Granted, Lautner is a better actor than Pattison. But Lautner’s CGI werewolf was completely awful. You’d think a big budget film like Twilight could afford better CGI; especially after audiences have been wowed by the effects of Lord of the Rings and more recently, Avatar . The CGI couldn’t have been more apparent—the werewolves’ fur and the way the Stewart interacted with the werewolves were just awful. Lautner’s werewolf didn’t have any great werewolf sounds either—no crazy cool growls, howls, or barks. There’s a notable whine from Lautner’s werewolf self, but other than that, the sound effects were subpar for werewolves. Honestly, the producers could have tape-recorded noises from Underworld and improved the sound editing for Lautner’s werewolf scenes. For the most part, the werewolves are just silently watching everything in the movie. Even with the werewolves standing still, the CGI effects were cheap and noticeable.
Finally, the humor in the film wouldn't even be good enough to be in a cheap romantic comedy churned out by Matthew McConaughey. The “twi-hards” were squealing and giggling constantly at the awkward tweenie humor. For me, the funniest moment happened while Edward proposed to Bella. {“Baby, you smell delicious, like the DelMacho Beef Burrito, and I can't resist you. Lets' get married.”“And I am mesmerized by you because you're a fucking vampire. I literally can't say no.” If that isn't true love, I don't know what is} The guy sitting next to me leaned back in his seat and the entire contents of his pocket emptied noisily only the floor followed by him hollering “son-of-a-bitch”. That made the film for me. And the pitcher of Shiner Bock helped out tremendously too.
Long story short, I can only find one appropriate way to rate Eclipse. As a romance film, Eclipse is worth 2.5 barf bags, with 0 barf bags being an amazing romantic film and 5 barf bags being the worst {Its like Golf, the lower your score, the better. If you don't score at all, you win. Edward the Vampire often confuses relationships with Golf}. Anyone who tries to classify Eclipse as being a sci-fi film should be shot. Good ideas for a fun sci-fi movie or horror movie are there, and that prevents the film from being completely awful. A good pitcher of beer on an empty stomach also helps the film from being a complete waste.
As long as Pattison and Stewart’s bad acting and weird onscreen romance remains, the film should never be considered as anything but an awful tweenie romance not worth comparing to really great film series such as Star Wars, Aliens, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, and other award-winning and noteworthy films. Eclipse is worth watching—but perhaps at home to not only fast forward through the sappy scenes, but also to avoid the crazed Twilight fans. I’d say that Eclipse is pretty comparable to James Cameron’s Titanic. Except, Titanic had better acting, better script writing, and better special effects. {So, if Titanic were made of poop, it would be Twilight}
I’m sure Twilight fans out there will disagree with me, but please know that yes, I have read the books and they were awful. I would also like to point out that out of all the midnight movie premiers that I have attended (all 6 Star Wars, all Harry Potters, all the LOTR, countless horror films, and all the Batmans—even the bad ones), the Twilight fans were the most annoying, rude, and disagreeable bunch I have ever encountered. Women were cutting in line, being loud and obnoxious, squealing, and just being completely unattractive by losing every redeeming quality that a lady could possibly possess {There was farting AND sweating; two things my mother said ladies don't do. Color me disillusioned}. I understand that women are swept up in the romance that the Twilight story puts forth—but that is no reason to set aside dignity and grace for a two-hour film. {Now a Chippendale's dance, yes} The gathering of stereotypical Twilight fans makes the Twilight series that much worse. Call me a “hater” if you will. Bring out the death threats. But someone needs to say that if Twilight fans want to be taken seriously, they need to start acting like civil human beings, recognize the series weaknesses, and not behave like crazed fans that would slaughter their mothers for a night with Pattison or Lautner... but that's a whole other article...
Creative writer, critic, megalomaniac. Dustin is a film critic for BrutalasHell.com, and game critic for Padinga.com.
Attempting to conquer the world via screenplays.
